Flirting at work: 6 tips for a discreet office flirt

Has your pretty colleague in accounting caught your eye? Or do you like the mysterious lady from the office next door, whom you sometimes bump into in the elevator? The new trainee at the copier in the hallway smiles at you meaningfully – and you smile back?

If such cases sound familiar to you, you probably have questions about flirting in the workplace. It’s about what you can, should, and should do when flirting in this sensitive setting.

This is even more important if you already have a crush on your colleague or if she is very aggressive in her approach towards you.

How common is flirting in the workplace?

The bottom line is: Despite all the reservations, dating and flirting in the workplace are now normal and common. According to statistics, 18% of couples meet through work. This makes work the second most common place where people find their partners these days (only online dating was mentioned more often in the survey at 21%).

There are many reasons for this openness:

• Unlike in the past, many offices today have a relaxed, friendly atmosphere where people often share personal details. This climate also facilitates sexual encounters among colleagues.
• You spend a large part of your time at work, so there is plenty of opportunity to get closer to each other through personal conversations.
• A little flirting now and then provides a bit of relaxation and “recovery”, especially during a stressful and tiring work phase.
• In general, appropriate, non-invasive and consensual flirting among colleagues can improve the working atmosphere.

Considering all these aspects, it’s not surprising that sparks are flying in your office too – perhaps even between you and your colleague.

Is flirting forbidden in the workplace?

First, the good news: Legally speaking, it’s permissible to flirt and enter into a relationship at work. There’s no general ban on it. No boss can dictate how you should treat your female colleagues. That’s your private matter.

However, there are a few crucial exceptions to this rule that you must be aware of:

• Flirting shouldn’t impair your work performance and productivity  . If you neglect your duties at work because of flirting, your supervisor can certainly give you a warning and, in extreme cases, even terminate your employment if the behavior repeats.
• Of course, the flirting or relationship must be consensual —meaning: desired by both you and the woman. If any unwanted words, gestures, or touching occur, she could report you for sexual harassment/coercion, which could quickly lead to your job loss and criminal proceedings.
• Sexual advances must not be tied to something in return . If a boss promises his employee, for example, more money, a promotion, or other benefits in exchange for sleeping with him, he is legally vulnerable. Since the big Me Too debate, this should be clear to everyone.
• In general, it’s extremely critical if there’s a power imbalance between the two people involved . You and the colleague in question should be on the same hierarchical level. Otherwise, suspicions can quickly arise that one is sexually harassing and exploiting the other.

If you follow these rules and avoid taking risks, you should at least be on the safe side legally. However, I’m a flirting coach and not a lawyer, so I can’t give you advice on such legal matters.

What are the possible disadvantages of office flirting?

In addition to purely legal issues, flirting in the workplace can also be tricky because every company has its own “unwritten rules.” These depend on factors such as corporate culture, working atmosphere, and the attitude of your supervisor.

Possible disadvantages of flirting in the office are:

• The boss might fundamentally view flirting or a relationship between colleagues as critical.
• Some employers fear that your office romance will come at the expense of your productivity and performance and will then keep you under close scrutiny – looking for possible errors in your work.
• Often, the rumor mill starts to run wild. That is, there’s whispering and gossip among other colleagues as soon as they find out about the flirtation. Sometimes jealousy and envy also arise.
• Employees may feel that one of their own is receiving undue benefits. This often happens when a boss is in love with their employee and is courting them.
• If you flirt too wildly, you’ll quickly get a reputation in the workplace as a playboy chasing girls (the male equivalent of a “slut”). This can damage your reputation and your career.
• You and the woman may see each other too often if you work together and also spend a lot of time together privately as a couple.
• If you argue or break up during the getting-to-know-you phase or during your relationship, you’re lacking the necessary distance at work. This problem is especially exacerbated if you work in the same department, share an office, or your company is too small to avoid each other.

Consider carefully whether you want to accept all these potential risks and disadvantages. It might also help to find out more about the working environment in your company:

Respect the “unwritten rules” in your company!

Every company is different, as are the people who work there. Therefore, you should consider individually whether flirting in the workplace is appropriate in your company or department.

Search for answers to the following questions:

• Are there more or less official compliance rules and guidelines in your company that provide information on how you should behave?
• What’s your boss’s attitude toward romance in the office? Is he strict or relaxed about it?
• Have you ever had a flirtation or relationship between colleagues at work? How did the other employees and superiors react?

You can also discreetly ask your colleagues who in your company has already, to quote Stromberg, literally “dipped their pen in corporate ink.” Or you can discreetly ask them what they think about such things in general.

Do you have a more relaxed attitude, or do you take the “Never f*ck the company” approach ? Was there any trouble when Tobi and Sabrina’s affair came to light?

Then you’ll know how they’d probably react to your office flirtation if it ever came to that (or if they found out that you’re already secretly flirting with a colleague).

How to recognize a flirt at work

As mentioned above, an office fling must be consensual. Therefore, it’s especially important for you as a man to pay attention to a woman’s flirting signals to determine whether she’s even interested in you.

However, don’t read too much into her behavior! You have to try to distinguish a sexual advance from pure friendliness.

For example, a smile does NOT automatically mean that your colleague is flirting with you!

Maybe she just wants to be polite or is interested in you purely as a friend . You need to stay as realistic as possible instead of indulging in wishful thinking. This is especially important if you ‘re in love with your colleague and are therefore walking around the office with rose-colored glasses.

How do women flirt at work? 16 typical signals

Pay attention to the words, body language, and actions of the colleague in question. The 16 most common signs of interest are:

1. She smiles at you, maintains eye contact for an unusually long time, or even touches you.
2. She compliments you – even about things that have nothing to do with your performance at work (your appearance, character traits, private hobbies, etc.).
3. She treats you more kindly and courteously than other colleagues, even though she has a good relationship with them.
4. She often does you favors that she doesn’t do for other people in the office. For example, she brings you something to eat or makes you coffee.
5. She asks interested questions about your private life and wants to know what you do outside of work.
6. She curiously asks whether you are still single – even behind your back with other employees.
7. She flirts with you by joking around, teasing you, or playfully punching you on the shoulder.
8. She keeps little physical distance, but stands or sits closer to you than is usual in the office.
9. She asks if you want to join her for lunch or even do something together outside of work (for which she then suggests exchanging cell phone numbers).
10. She defends you against other colleagues when there is criticism, disagreement or argument.
11. She is visibly nervous and confused in your presence, although she usually seems very confident and stable around other people.
12. She reacts in a sulky and jealous manner when you talk to other colleagues (even though she tries to hide her jealousy).
13. During the conversation she emphasizes that she is still single and looking for a partner.
14. She talks a lot about you behind your back – but very positively.
15. She takes on projects that she has to complete with you as a team in order to spend more time with you.
16. It remembers personal details about you. For example, that you drink your coffee with two teaspoons of sugar or when your birthday is.

A single signal isn’t conclusive. But the more of the 16 signs you notice in your colleague, the higher the probability that her conspicuous flirting at work isn’t just meant to be friendly, but is based on sexual interest.

It’s also a pretty clear sign if she behaves completely differently towards you than towards the other colleagues in the office.

What to do if you are not interested in your colleague?

Maybe you’re not interested in getting closer even though your colleague is flirting with you. This could be because you’re already married, she ‘s just not your type , or you generally don’t want to start a relationship with a woman from the same company.

How should you behave in such a difficult situation?

Avoid harsh rejection, as a harsh rejection could hurt her and lead to arguments, including with other colleagues.

It’s better to resolve the matter smoothly, as you’ll likely have to put up with each other at work for some time to come. Persistent bad blood between you isn’t particularly pleasant and will damage the working atmosphere.

Option 1: Ignore or subtle rejection

It often helps to politely ignore the woman’s advances at first – in the hope that she’ll realize on her own how hopeless her flirting at work or in the office is. Then she’ll probably soon scale back her behavior toward you to a purely collegial level.

Another subtle strategy is to casually mention your (dating) partner in a subordinate clause when you talk about leisure activities:

“Yesterday I went to IKEA with my girlfriend to buy bed linen…”

Or, if you are single:

“I’m currently dating a girl I get along with really well. I hope we become a couple.”

These hidden clues should be clear enough to make the annoying employee finally leave you alone.

Option 2: Open discussion as a last resort

If your colleague persists in pursuing you and continues to flirt unashamedly, it is advisable to seek a friendly private conversation.

Ask her to come to a separate room near your office where you two will be completely undisturbed.

Then you can say to her, for example:

“Hey, I’ve noticed lately that you’re interested in me and want more than friendship. Sure, I like you too. And at the same time, I regret to tell you that I’m already happily taken/basically don’t want to start a relationship with a work colleague, etc.”

It is important to give a comprehensible reason for your rejection so that your counterpart can better understand and accept it.

Flirting at work – 6 tips for the office

So, how can you, as a man, flirt at work without putting your foot in it? As already mentioned, office flirting should be consensual and as discreet as possible. To achieve this, you should follow these 6 tips and rules:

1. Avoid conspicuous and brazen flirting!

You don’t want to sexually harass your colleague or become the number one topic of conversation at work, do you? That would be very uncomfortable for both of you.

So be discreet when flirting instead of acting like a bull in a china shop!

You must urgently avoid the following behaviors:

• openly flirt with the woman in front of your colleagues in the office
• make intrusive compliments about her appearance or use bad pick-up lines
• physically touch them in any way
• Leave love letters on her desk or send them by email (someone could read them, and your advances will be documented in black and white)
• giving embarrassing gifts that seem kitschy and signal romantic intentions (chocolates, small stuffed animals, a flower , etc.)

If you have a bad feeling or doubt about any kind of flirting activity at work, it’s better to leave it alone! Our male intuition is often right about this.

While I usually recommend being bold and sometimes doing crazy things when looking for a partner, this only applies to meeting people in your free time and NOT to a sensitive setting like work!

2. Flirt respectfully, discreetly, and reservedly!

Your office flirtation really needs to be very discreet. This is especially true at the beginning, when you don’t yet know if the woman is even single and interested in you. To avoid being noticed, you should only flirt with her when you’re both alone in the room.

Here are a few tips on how you can approach your colleague discreetly without coming across as awkward, intrusive, or sexually harassing:

• Compliment her on her work performance: “Wow, you handled that customer with real confidence. Not easy with such a jerk!” Or: “Wow, I admire how well organized you are. You always seem to keep track of everything!”
• Do her a favor by spontaneously swapping working hours with her or bringing her a snack from the canteen.
• Make the woman laugh by telling her a joke or a funny story from your personal life. This will help her get to know you better.
• Make a teasing remark without being offensive. While you’re both alone in the tea room, you could say something like, “Oh, so you’re a coffee lover too. Too bad, I thought you were more of a tea person, like me…” Please grin friendly so she takes your comment as harmless fun and not as an attack!
• Start a playful competition with her: “The first person to find the paper clips/finish the project gets an ice cream from the other person in the cafeteria. Man, you’re as quick as a squirrel…”

Just be a little relaxed, friendly, and funny when flirting at work, without crossing any boundaries.

3. Pay attention to how she reacts to your flirting!

The next step is to carefully observe and listen to how your colleague reacts to your tentative advances. I’ve already explained the most important flirting signals in the office above.

If she is open, laughs, and responds to your flirting, you can continue flirting.

However, if she reacts cautiously or even dismissively, caution is advised. In such a case, you should first slow down or even stop approaching her altogether.

4. Make plans to meet at lunch or in the evening!

If there’s a certain affinity between you, you can take it a step further. To ensure you can talk and get closer without interruption, you shouldn’t flirt with your colleague at work, but rather far away from the office.

That means: Ask the woman if she would like to have lunch with you.

And if possible, don’t do this in the company cafeteria, where the other colleagues are hanging out with you. It’s best to go for a walk or eat somewhere outside your company building where it’s really just the two of you.

The alternative is to go to a café or bar together after work. Ideally, choose a location close to your work.

5. Deepen your conversations and really flirt with her!

During your lunch break or after work, you’re in a completely private setting. Here, you can flirt much more intensely than at work because you’re not being watched by critical bosses and colleagues. The atmosphere is also much more relaxed because there aren’t piles of files full of work waiting for you.

Many women then drop their collegial-professional mask and are much more open to flirting in private than in the office.

When getting to know people outside of the company, you should keep these tips in mind:

• Flirt more aggressively with your colleague by continuing to tease her, making her laugh, and establishing physical contact. Of course, you must still respect her boundaries and avoid becoming intrusive or pushy.
• Continue to pay attention to her signals as to whether she likes your advances or not. If she reacts negatively, you should definitely slow down and hold back.
• Ask personal questions to get to know her, listen carefully, and tell her something about yourself. The topics of conversation should be interesting and unrelated to your work—such as hobbies, family, or travel.
• The goal of flirting is to learn more about each other’s private life and what kind of person they are outside of work. You should also discover enough common ground during the conversation to make it a viable relationship. Perhaps your colleague is also open to a friendship with benefits .
• Also discreetly ask if she’s still single. For example, you could say, “Did you go on vacation with your boyfriend this year?” Her answer will then reveal whether she even has a partner (which you’re indirectly implying with your question).
• Suggest other leisure activities based on shared hobbies and interests. Exchange cell phone numbers.

If there’s chemistry between you, this meeting might already feel like a first date . Outside of work, the approach will then work in much the same way as with any other woman you meet in your free time.

6. Maintain professional distance in the office!

If things are going well in your personal life, you two will be in the getting-to-know-you phase and flirting wildly . But that doesn’t mean you can let loose at work!

Furthermore, avoid conspicuous flirting with your chosen one at work and treat her the way you treat other colleagues. A gentleman is discreet and keeps quiet. It’s recommended that you limit any romantic flirting to your free time and don’t tell anyone about your affair for the time being.

The other office employees shouldn’t initially suspect that you’re making out privately, are in love with each other, or even share a bed.

This will only lead to gossip and backbiting behind your back.

Very uncomfortable for both of you!

If you want to make your relationship public later, it is a joint decision that both of you have to think carefully about – with all the advantages and disadvantages that this “outing” might bring with it.

Flirting at work despite being in a relationship?

Your colleague is flirting with you, but you are already in a committed relationship or even married?

In that case, you should of course keep your hands off her, as you hopefully don’t want to cheat on your sweetheart.

A purely friendly relationship with your co-worker, where you joke around with each other from time to time, is of course okay, as long as your partner is not prone to excessive jealousy.

By flirting in a friendly manner at work, you can loosen up the tense office atmosphere and create a more pleasant working environment.

Otherwise, you need to make it clear to the woman that you’re just good colleagues and that you have no sexual interest in her because you’re already taken. I’ve explained above how best to communicate the rejection so as not to offend the woman.

If your colleague is already in a relationship…

Or is the colleague you are interested in already taken or married ?

As mentioned above, you should always first find out if she’s still single. This applies even if she’s the one taking the initiative and possibly hitting on you despite having a boyfriend .

If you flirt with each other even though she already has a partner, you could get her into serious trouble. Your colleagues will start gossiping about your flirting at work. This is very damaging to your reputation and hers.

In the worst case, the rumors spread to her boyfriend or husband, who then becomes (rightfully) jealous. Perhaps because he thinks she’s cheating on him.

So, better stay away from your coworker before you ruin a happy relationship or end up with her angry husband! Even purely friendly flirting with her at work could be risky. The risk of misunderstandings is simply too high.

That’s easier said than done when you’re in love with a taken woman, I know.

But if you meet new girls outside of work, you’ll quickly forget about that nice colleague – and have the chance for a less problematic relationship that will make you truly happy.