“HER or none!” – that is the motto in your life at the moment, because you are suffering from severe oneitis during the getting-to-know-you phase or after a breakup.
You could almost say you’re obsessed with this lady. She’s your absolute dream woman, your perfect match. You can’t imagine a better partner and would love to grow old with her.
The only catch is: She’s already rejected you completely, and the chances of a relationship are about as “good” as winning the lottery…
Now, as a man, you’re suffering from terrible heartbreak, thinking about her every free second, and you can’t get her out of your head. You’d love to try to win her over again—but at the same time, you know this would be pretty hopeless.
The case is clear: You must immediately fight and overcome your oneitis, because this way of thinking is quite unhealthy for your soul and blocks you from getting to know a new partner.
What is “oneitis”? Definition of the term
The English word “One-itis” is made up of two parts:
- “One” for “one”, “another” or “an”
- “-itis” is a typical medical word ending used to describe many inflammatory diseases (such as “bronchitis” or “arthritis”)
Some coaches also explain the term “oneitis” with the phrase “One-it-is” – in plain English: “It is the one.”
No matter how you interpret the origin of the word, it is definitely about the unhealthy fixation on a certain person, even though they have already clearly rejected you or you can never be together as a couple for other reasons.
Both women and men can be affected.
In my opinion, this clinging to an unrequited love is not exactly a mental “illness,” but at least a kind of “addiction” or strong emotional dependence.
Oneitis often occurs after a breakup when a man is still very attached to his ex-girlfriend and wishes the relationship with her back .
However, this addiction can also develop during seduction in the getting-to-know-you phase, when you have had several dates with a woman or only know her casually from work or from friends.
Test: Do you have oneitis? Look out for these signs!
Oneitis can cause various symptoms, which are often very painful and cause distress. You can tell if you, as a man, are affected by these signs:
- Even though the relationship ended weeks or months ago, you are still feeling severe pain and are unable to forget your ex-girlfriend .
- After a period of getting to know each other and dating, you still feel a pang of longing—or even a sharp pang of heartbreak if you ‘re already unhappily in love with them . This is true even though the other person rejected you a long time ago.
- You have feelings like longing, sadness, anger, jealousy, regret and self-doubt (motto: “I failed her!”).
- The woman is extremely important to you. Your thoughts revolve exclusively around her; you constantly think about her in your everyday life. Even the smallest trigger is enough to make you lose control.
- You can hardly concentrate at work because your attention is constantly on her.
- You don’t see her weaknesses, but because of your oneitis you idealize her and think she’s the perfect woman.
- Even though the situation is hopeless, you think feverishly about how you can still win her over – or you directly beg for a chance with her.
- You send her regular WhatsApp messages or even become friends with her. You accept the friend zone in the hope that after a certain amount of time, she’ll fall in love with you as her best friend .
- In your daydreams, you imagine a real movie in your head. It’s an idealized picture of the two of you living together as a happy couple, or even being married and having children. Or you imagine heavenly sex with your wife, like in the wildest porn movies.
- You believe that there can be no better partner out there for you because you are “meant for each other” or “soul mates” .
- You believe that you will never be as happy with anyone else as you are with her.
- You are no longer interested in other women, even though you normally find them very attractive.
- When you’re dating, you constantly compare interesting girls with HER – and come to the conclusion that none of these “candidates” can keep up with your dream woman anyway.
- This discouragement goes so far that you completely give up looking for a partner or flirting with other women.
The time factor is also crucial!
All the above-mentioned symptoms of oneitis can last for a more or less long time.
And of course, it’s perfectly normal to suffer after a rejection or breakup. But men affected by oneitis fixate on their beloved for weeks, months, or even years, trying to win her over. And they do this even though it’s perfectly clear that their chances with that person are close to zero.
The 7 most common causes of oneitis in men
Before you break your emotional dependence on her, you must first understand WHY you developed oneitis as a man in the first place.
There can be various reasons for this, but they ultimately come down to two crucial things: the lack of choice of women in your life and (associated with this) the idealization of your supposed dream woman.
In this sense, the following 7 causes of oneitis are usually very closely related to each other and are more like “puzzle pieces” of the overall problem:
1. You idealize the “adored one”
This word already reveals that you literally “worship” her like a perfect goddess and have placed her on a meter-high pedestal. From that position, of course, no other woman can hold a candle to her.
You simply don’t see any possible flaws that your angelic sweetheart may have.
Through your rose-colored glasses, she’s a saint, the love of your life. Incredibly wonderful and beautiful. And, of course, the perfect match for you, as if you were made for each other. Logically, if she seems so incredibly precious to you in the wake of oneitis, it automatically increases your desire to have her at all costs (almost like Gollum in “Lord of the Rings,” who was obsessed with his ” treasure “).
2. You hardly meet any women
Perhaps you’ve been single for a long time because there are hardly any women in your life. Therefore, it seemed incredibly lucky that you suddenly met HER.
She could seemingly give you everything, from great conversations and security to shared laughter and hot sex.
Now that it’s over, you don’t meet many new girls.
Just like before.
Just as it always was.
Therefore, as a man, you never get to experience that there are soooo many potential partners out there for you – and that you are not actually dependent on this one woman.
Instead, because of oneitis, you believe that one rarely meets such a great woman in life, don’t you?
Or that there is only “the one” in the world for you, the “perfect match” for a relationship…
And from this unrealistic view follows the idea that you absolutely have to “hold on” to your chosen one and never let go if you don’t want to grow old alone.
This then leads to a kind of addiction that you absolutely have to fight!
3. You are influenced by Hollywood romances
Naive-romantic love songs on the radio, Hollywood films and the media have been feeding us a false mindset for years, which forms the basis for later oneitis:
There, we’re presented with stories of single men who fall unhappily in love – but then don’t give up, instead stubbornly fighting for that one woman. Because she’s supposedly their “predestined soulmate” and there can never be another.
In the end, these Hollywood movie heroes even succeed with this scam and drag their princess to the altar.
Such success stories (with the beliefs behind them) can become ingrained in your brain, so that you now unconsciously try to copy the behavior of the movie characters in real life.
But this is very dangerous, because the romantic, kitschy stories from love movies and love songs have nothing to do with reality, as you have now painfully experienced yourself.
4. You (currently) have no alternatives
Oneitis is primarily triggered by the fact that you have no choice of other women during the acute phase of heartbreak. This, of course, significantly increases your emotional dependence on the supposed “Mrs. Right.”
You probably don’t have the phone numbers of five or ten other ladies saved in your phone that you can contact right now, do you?
This means you have no tangible alternative to distract yourself emotionally (including with sex) and quickly find new love through flirting.
5. You are afraid that you won’t get anyone else
In general, you probably have little to no self-confidence – and your flirting skills are also rusty (which is often the case after a long relationship).
Additionally, you tend to be a shy type of man, especially when it comes to seduction. Therefore, you don’t dare to simply go out and approach new women .
Am i right?
This self-doubt naturally leads to a great fear of not meeting any new, interesting girls and especially not finding a new partner when dating.
This feeling then leads to a strong oneitis, because in this hopeless situation one clings all the more to the one woman as the “last straw” that seems within reach.
Which, of course, is also a fallacy, as you know – because in such cases you are hopelessly stuck in the friend zone without ever really getting closer to the señorita.
6. You fear being alone as a single person
Oneitis can strike especially after a breakup when your girlfriend leaves you and you suddenly find yourself all alone.
Sure, being without a partner feels painful and strange at first, especially when you see all the happy couples kissing everywhere…
But there is a big difference between loneliness and being alone.
You can definitely learn to be happy as a single person and enjoy your time together. Think of it this way: You have all the freedom you need when you’re single, you can meet old friends, and do all the other things you sorely neglected during your relationship.
Once you have achieved this serenity, you can let go of the woman emotionally, reorient yourself and finally approach the search for a partner in a relaxed manner.
7. You hope that women will “complete” you
A deeper cause of oneitis could be that you suffer from low self-esteem and feel empty and “incomplete” inside.
Then you may believe that you absolutely need a partner to be a “whole person.”
You see it as your sacred mission to find the missing piece of the puzzle that completes you and makes you happy. This way of thinking creates a deep-seated dependence on this particular woman.
This (often unconscious) belief is, of course, sheer nonsense, because you are already complete as a human being.
Therefore, theoretically, you can be happy alone if you develop inner self-satisfaction and self-love. A partner then becomes merely a nice-to-have , not a must-have , because you are self-sufficient.
What the serious consequences of oneitis can be
There are several reasons why you should combat and get rid of your oneitis as soon as possible. The consequences of this mindset are very damaging in the long run.
I don’t need to mention that feelings like constant breakup pain and heartbreak make you suffer for an unnecessarily long time, do I?
But what is at least as tragic for the men affected:
By focusing on this person in a hopeless, blinkered way, you are missing out on the chance to meet other great women – and thereby find a girlfriend with whom you will be truly happy in life!
Because: You talk yourself down about potential partners who would actually be a much better match for you or simply overlook them.
If the signs of your oneitis become apparent, it can also have very unpleasant consequences for your beloved. Perhaps she now perceives your behavior as stalking if you’re constantly chasing her, sending her daily WhatsApp messages, and repeatedly begging for a chance with her.
Or she feels partly responsible for your suffering because she believes she has given you false hope with her unconscious signals.
8 tips to overcome your oneitis
What can you do to change this unbearable situation?
Often you get superficial advice from friends and family members, such as: “Oh, just forget about her!”, “There are other women!” or “Just wait, the right one will come along eventually!”
Of course, such worn-out sayings don’t help in your situation, I know.
Instead, you should follow these 8 steps to successfully overcome oneitis or prevent it in the future:
1. Accept that she can’t love you (anymore)
After being rejected, most men cling desperately to their beloved and continue trying to win her over.
These guys beg on their knees for a chance, send five love messages a day via WhatsApp, or even stalk the woman at home or at work.
Not only is this extremely unpleasant for the woman, but this intrusive behavior only further escalates your oneitis, making it even more difficult for you to combat and overcome it.
Instead of desperately chasing after her, you must accept this woman’s clear no and recognize that the fight for her love is hopeless. Stop making any further advances!
This is the first step out of emotional dependency so that you can finally let go and forget this person.
To bring closure to the matter, it’s often helpful to have one last conversation with the woman to clarify any remaining questions. This discussion may provide you with an answer to the nagging question of why she doesn’t want you (anymore) as a partner.
2. End the friendship and keep your distance
Even if the temptation is great, you should definitely not become friends with this woman. Not even if she looks at you with sad, puppy-dog eyes and says, ” Let’s stay friends ! You’re so important to me as a person!”
Because the problem is: Once you’re stuck in the friend zone , it becomes even harder to break away from it emotionally and overcome oneitis.
Being close to her will rekindle your feelings every time – like a fire that you keep pouring oil into.
Furthermore, we men who are secretly in love tend to misinterpret every little gesture (statements, glances, smiles, etc.). We see what we WANT to see. This only further unnecessarily creates false hopes.
Instead, your first step should be to completely distance yourself from this woman and initiate a no-contact rule . This distancing already helps to break the emotional dependency somewhat.
If she wants the friendship, you shouldn’t cut off contact abruptly. You don’t want to hurt her with your behavior, do you?
Just write her a message explaining the situation:
“Hey, I need to sort out my feelings and need some time alone. So don’t be surprised if I don’t get in touch in the next few weeks.”
Either your contact will fizzle out completely, or you can be real friends after a healing break (for example, if one of you has a new partner and you’ve really managed to overcome the oneitis).
3. Make the mementos disappear
Maybe you still have a few photos of the woman, or even selfies from your last trip. There’s probably plenty of WhatsApp chat history too, right? And did she ever bring you homemade cookies, so that you still have that Tupperware container sitting around, practically “staring” at you?
All such things have one big problem in common with Oneitis:
The sight draws your attention back to the Queen of Hearts, reopens freshly healed wounds, and makes you constantly think about her.
So, if you want to move on from this woman, put these things out of your sight for a while! Also, read my article on how to forget your ex-girlfriend after a breakup .
For example, you can store items lying around in drawers and cupboards, return them to her, or sell them on eBay classifieds.
It’s best to save photos and screenshots of your chat history on an external hard drive or USB stick. Then delete this “toxic” data from your phone so you don’t have to constantly look at it.
4. Reprogram your harmful thoughts
As mentioned above, oneitis is usually based on false thought patterns and beliefs.
Typical examples of such beliefs are:
“I’ll never meet another woman as amazing as YOU!”, “She’s perfect for me. There’s no one better suited to me. Fate meant for us!”, or “I have even less chance with other girls because I’m not attractive enough!”
As a man, believing something like this is always a very clear sign of an unhealthy fixation on a specific person for whom you feel love. But you absolutely have to get away from these (often unconscious) fearful thoughts if you want to get rid of oneitis!
How can you specifically work on becoming more self-confident?
Replace this nonsense in your head with realistic ways of thinking about the topic, such as:
- “There are so many other women out there I can meet – I just have to gather the courage and approach them!”
- “I can find a great girlfriend who is a thousand times better suited to me in terms of a relationship!”
As soon as you catch yourself thinking something wrong, you correct it in your mind. Like a defense attorney in court who argues the “evil” side into the ground.
The more often you say such positive sentences to yourself, the more they become ingrained in your subconscious and become part of your new mental reality.
With your new way of thinking, the “addiction” and emotional dependence on this person will also disappear.
5. Dedicate yourself to your hobbies and friends
If you suffer from oneitis, your thoughts probably constantly revolve around this woman. To stop your mental fixation on your chosen one, you should find some distraction.
Dedicate yourself to activities and hobbies that make you feel good! This can be anything from traveling to sports to binge-watching a Saturday night TV series.
To avoid feeling so lonely and brooding, you should also do a lot of things with friends.
Or wouldn’t it be a good idea to find a new exciting hobby?
The effect of all these activities is that you fill the inner emptiness with things that bring you joy. This will make you realize that you don’t really need this woman to be happy.
6. Approaching strangers – for more choice
In my experience, the most effective way to get rid of this paralyzing oneitis is to meet new women immediately to give yourself plenty of options. Some flirting experts call this FTOW – short for “Find Ten Other Women.”
You can approach attractive people everywhere in everyday life, for example:
- on the street
- on buses and trains
- in the supermarket
- in the gym
- in the park
Of course, this new behavior requires a lot of courage as a man – especially if you are currently quite shy around women and have a lot of fear of approaching them .
But it’s worth it for us men to step out of our comfort zone when flirting and use the FTOW strategy to step out of our comfort zone. Even if you get a few rejections at first , the first successes will quickly turn you into a self-confident person.
Most importantly, you’ll become even more aware of how many other interesting girls are walking around your city… right in front of you. You’ve just never seen them before because of your oneitis.
This will fundamentally change your thoughts and feelings, believe me!
Your supposed “dream woman” is suddenly no longer so important.
At some point you will laugh and shake your head at how you could seriously believe that SHE was the only one you could ever be happy with.
At the very latest, when your attempts to approach her yield a few cell phone numbers , dates, and sex, you’ll increasingly forget your former “queen” – and your emotional dependence on her will gradually dissolve. She’ll no longer be an issue for you.
Through dating, you even have a realistic chance of falling in love again and becoming happy with your new partner in a committed relationship.
7. Try your luck with online dating
Do you still find it difficult to approach strangers in everyday life because of your overwhelming fear ? Or are you rarely successful in these attempts?
In that case, you don’t have to be angry with yourself or doubt yourself.
A good alternative is to look for a partner on dating apps and singles exchanges.
If you write to interesting ladies, you will also distract yourself from your oneitis and realize that other mothers also have beautiful daughters.
Popular classics for finding a partner are of course Tinder or Lovoo , but I’ve also had good experiences on Bumble .
However, you should avoid the mistakes most men make, which lead to them not getting likes, matches , or replies to their messages . Upload attractive Tinder photos to the dating platform, create an interesting profile text , and follow the rules for flirting in chat .
You can find many more tips on online dating in numerous articles here on my blog.
8.1. Hang their ten biggest mistakes on your wall…
Perhaps when you meet other women, you’ll notice the problem that you’re constantly thinking about HER. Then you automatically start comparing again. Harmful thoughts like:
“Hmmm, the other girls can’t hold a candle to her!”
These are the typical signs in men that oneitis is not yet defeated and you need to continue working on it.
If you catch yourself falling into such mental traps, I have a solution that will help you even more: You have to recognize the woman’s flaws – and thus bring her down from the pedestal you have placed her on by idealizing her.
Consider all the quirks about their personality that annoyed or irritated you. These could be all sorts of things, such as:
- how she didn’t reply to your messages for days…
- how she played with you and lied to you (out of false politeness)…
- how she suddenly canceled your meeting…
Can’t think of anything? That can’t be right!
No one is perfect. Not even your supposed “dream woman,” whom you idealize because of oneitis.
So think carefully and look for little things that you may have overlooked in your infatuation (or you can continue with the exercise directly at the end!).
By the end you should have found ten things.
To make yourself aware of their quirks on a daily basis, you can write them down on a piece of paper and hang it prominently on the wall or refrigerator.
However, this is NOT about devaluing them as people and developing feelings of hatred! You should simply become aware of which of their characteristics bother you once you take off your rose-colored glasses and see things clearly.
8.2. …and realize why you would NOT be a dream couple
As already mentioned, one of the most obvious signs of oneitis is that we men idealize a certain woman and imagine the perfect relationship with that person.
I want to pull this tooth out for you with a second exercise – or rather, you can only do it yourself.
You have to realize that it wasn’t true love and it never could have been in the future!
You can achieve this by doing the exact opposite from now on: Instead of the romantic, happy picture-perfect marriage, you have to imagine how the time you spend together in your relationship would be a complete nightmare.
As a first step, consider where you had NO common ground in terms of hobbies and interests. Where were you two opposites, like fire and water, like cat and dog?
To combat oneitis, imagine a few “horror scenes” in your head, ideally in great detail. Typical examples might be:
- How you argue about the vacation at home and end up having to go camping with her for two weeks, even though you hate camping (keyword: mosquitoes and spiders in the tent)…
- How you snatch the remote control out of each other’s hands on the couch in the evening and end up having to watch a terrible series that bores you so much you fall asleep…
- how you would have terrible sex or not sleep together at all…
- how you argue about cooking because she wants to eat something vegetarian, but you’re really craving a schnitzel…
- how you have to visit her parents or best friend on the weekend, even though they never liked you, and you don’t like them either…
Also imagine the negative feelings you have about the topic in question, as long as it is not too emotionally intense for you.
These can be made-up situations or real ones that actually happened before the breakup, if you were already in a relationship. You’re sure to find plenty here! Obviously, you really weren’t a good fit as a couple, otherwise this woman would have chosen you or not broken up with you.
Once you realize this, the false idea of ​​the “dream couple” will soon disappear from your mind – and you will get rid of this tormenting oneitis faster than you think!
