If I were to offer you a medication that has been proven to not only lower your stress levels, strengthen your heart, and prevent obesity, but also help you live longer. Would you want to take this medication?
Everyone here would probably answer “yes.” What would you think if I told you that you could get this miracle cure completely free of charge and without any side effects ? You would probably immediately ask: “What is this miracle cure, and how can I get it as quickly as possible?”
It’s scientifically proven: friends and friendships not only enrich our lives socially, but also have a positive effect on our bodies and our health, just like the “miracle cure” described above.
I can’t simply give you this medication for free, because the pharmaceutical industry isn’t that advanced yet. But I can give you a deep understanding of the topic of ” making new friends ” and precise instructions on how to do it. I’m absolutely sure: you’ll make the most of it!
Who are the right friends for you?
A question that most people completely underestimate and neglect on their journey to finding new friends is this: What are you looking for?
Perhaps you know the saying: “If you don’t have a goal in mind, you can’t get there.” Of course, you will succeed in making acquaintances without having given it much thought beforehand. However, such friendships are unlikely to fulfill you in the long run.
Therefore, at the beginning, take the time to briefly imagine in your mind’s eye how you define a good friend. What values and interests does he or she represent? Where can you often find this person? Just make two or three bullet points. We’ll come back to this later in the article.
What you absolutely need to understand to find new friends
Once you understand the theory, making friends will be much easier for you. I would even go so far as to say: If you don’t know the concept and formula of friendship, you run the risk of finding yourself without friends at some point. I will now give you the absolute basics, the things that are truly essential for your success in finding new friends.
The 5 stages of friendship
Imagine the following concept like a pyramid. The top of the pyramid is always the smallest and most difficult to reach! Generally speaking, you can divide all the people you meet in life into five categories (although there are two exceptions).
- The stranger. This includes the vast majority of people. People with whom you’ve never communicated. They don’t fulfill your need for social interaction.
- The acquaintance. People you’ve seen before. You greet each other and have small talk when the opportunity arises. They don’t fulfill the need for social interaction. Most people have many acquaintances.
- The friend. You invite each other to activities and have had many conversations (of a rather superficial nature). This partially fulfills the need for social interaction. Most people have a handful (2-10) of friends.
- The good friend. The ones you always invite when you organize something. You have deep conversations and have known each other for more than a year. They fulfill the need for social interaction. Most people have a few (2-4) good friends.
- The life partner: You spend a lot of time together, have the deepest conversations, and trust each other the most. It’s usually a romantic/erotic relationship. It fulfills the need for social interaction. Most people have only one life partner (excluding family).
You’re probably wondering what the exceptions mentioned above are. When you see someone for the very first time, they’re “neutral” in that initial moment . Your mind needs a few moments to decide whether this person should be classified as a stranger or an “enemy.”
Since it’s incredibly unfortunate to be instinctively labeled an enemy by others when you’re actually trying to make new friends, there’s a special section below on how to improve your body language to appear more likeable .
NDHI: The Formula for Making Friends
Even if you’ve struggled with shyness and loneliness, the formula for making friends will give you a new lease of life. Simply by intensively engaging with the topic of “making new friends,” your motivation will increase.
“What exactly is this formula?” you might be asking yourself. You need to know that there are four factors that determine the nature of your friendship with a person (e.g., acquaintance or already friend?). You can rate each factor on a scale of 1-10.
- Proximity How close are you to the person during your interaction?
- Duration How long are your interactions?
- Frequency How often do you see and meet each other?
- Intensity How many positive emotions does the interaction trigger in you?
So, if you already have a lot of acquaintances and want to become closer friends with some of them (i.e., make them “friends” or “good friends”), then ask yourself which of the factors have been neglected in your interactions so far.
Now that you have a more precise picture of how “friendship” develops and which factors are crucial, you can identify specific activities with people to “improve” certain values. Let me illustrate this with a few examples:
- Eating together increases your closeness and duration.
- When you pursue a hobby together, your frequency and closeness increases.
- Or you can go to a party together, which will increase the duration and intensity of the party (as there is usually a lot of laughter and a good atmosphere).
This all sounds a bit mechanical and abstract, but in reality, of course, reality is much more vivid. Take the formula for making friends as a model; it’s not “good” or “bad” in the classic sense. In some situations, this model is better, in others, less suitable.
I’ll also give you concrete tips on how to become more open in conversation, for example. However, it’s really essential for you and your social skills to first understand how friendship “works” in theory. You can easily remember the formula for making friends using the letter sequence NDHI.
The golden rule of friendship
If you don’t know the golden rule, it will be impossible for you to build fulfilling and lasting friendships, despite the formula for making friends. It’s entirely possible that you spend a lot of time and a lot of time with someone (both duration and frequency!) and you still don’t become good friends.
Much worse, if you don’t follow the golden rule of friendship, you may eventually be deliberately avoided by others. Imagine this golden rule as a plus sign in front of our NDHI formula. If you follow the golden rule, making new friends will be easy.
Now I’ve kept you in suspense long enough. You’ll be amazed at how simple this rule actually is. Nevertheless, it plays an incredibly important role in social interactions. When you work on your social skills, the following golden rule should always appear in your mind’s eye to motivate and guide you:
Therefore, please remember:
If you want people to like you, make them feel good around you! Because we always remember how someone made us feel, rather than what they specifically said/did!
This rule is so essential, seems so trivial, and yet it is the highest of all goals in your social interactions. Ultimately, all the concrete tips I’ll share with you below will aim to ensure that the golden rule of friendship is fulfilled. Perhaps you’re beginning to understand why it’s so incredibly important to first understand the concept behind it all.
Think back to the time when you learned to drive. During your first few lessons, you only followed the instructor’s “commands.” Over time, however, you developed a deeper understanding and feel for driving as an activity. You became more and more confident and began to develop your own driving style.
And the same applies to everything in life. At first, you’ll rely on pre-formulated questions to get to know each other (you’ll learn more about this in a later article!), but over time, you’ll realize the principle behind them. You’ll be able to intuitively ask appropriate and interesting questions, and as a result, your potential will be limitless.
You’ll realize that one could easily write an entire book about this one golden rule. But be careful: The rule also applies in reverse! If you make other people feel uncomfortable in your presence (even unconsciously or unintentionally), they’ll avoid you in the future.
How to quickly find new friends
Enough theory. You’re probably already eager to get precise tips on how to quickly find new friends until your circle of friends eventually grows on its own.
Get active yourself
People won’t just come up to you and want to be friends. Even if this statement might hurt you a little, only if you admit it to yourself will you really be able to find new friends. Are you tired of being alone?
The truth is: nobody cares about you finding new friends. But you know what: screw it! You’re an independent being and you already know what you’re talking about! Time to tackle things. Even if that sometimes means leaving your comfort zone. You are responsible for putting yourself in situations where it’s actually possible to meet new people and, accordingly, to make friends. All the techniques, all the theory, is wasted, so to speak, if you don’t put them into practice.
I’m often asked: “Where can I find new friends? I don’t even know where to meet people…” That’s why I’ve dedicated an entire section below to the question of where you can find new friends.
Be open & take every opportunity
Every conversation can be important and interesting. That’s why I’ve made it a habit to listen more than I speak. This way, you’ll discover and learn a tremendous amount. Almost as a side effect, you’ll notice during the conversation whether this person matches your idea of a good friend. If you’ve listened attentively, it will be much easier for you to get to know the person better if necessary, because you’ve already made a positive impression.
Get into the habit of being communicative in every situation. This is the very best exercise for becoming more open! There’s no need to be afraid. To start with, small talk is absolutely sufficient. Simply exchange a few words with the people you meet in everyday life, be it with the cashier at the supermarket or your neighbor.
This way, you’ll not only hone your social skills, but you’ll also brighten up their day immensely. At first, it can be a huge challenge to exchange a few sentences with a stranger. That’s precisely why you should take on this challenge. Do you want to communicate more confidently? Sometimes the only thing that really helps is jumping into the deep end. Become the best version of yourself!
Be attentive & show genuine interest
Active listening is the key word here. There’s nothing you can do to give your counterpart more attention than by actively listening. Please don’t try to feign interest; that’s no way to make new friends. And by the way: Would you want to surround yourself with “friends” who are interested in completely different things (things you find uninteresting)?
Unfortunately, no one in school taught you what active listening actually means. It doesn’t mean you just wait until your turn to speak starts again. Rather, you should view each conversation as a valuable connection or bond between you and the other person. Because many people haven’t learned how to express genuine interest (without saying it outright), this bond unfortunately breaks far too often and quickly. That’s why I’m going to give you some behaviors you can use to express your interest. However, this isn’t about faking something that isn’t there.
- Eye contact. Need I say more? Perhaps you’ve spoken with someone who seemed truly charismatic. Such people have made it a habit to look the other person in the eye when they speak. Many people often look away for minutes during a conversation. At first, it may feel uncomfortable to look someone in the eye for a prolonged period of time. This, in particular, should be a reason for you to do it as often as possible from now on!
- Show understanding. If you can follow what the other person is saying, signal that! An approving nod, a “yes,” or something similar confirms to the other person that you’re not just letting their words wash over you while thinking about something else.
- Ask questions. If you don’t understand something, don’t hesitate to ask. If you’re genuinely interested in a story or explanation, don’t be afraid to ask! Often, the most exciting stories emerge this way.
Be loyal and reliable
Especially during the getting-to-know-you phase, it’s crucial that you behave as you would expect from a good friend. Accept the other person, show up on time at agreed-upon meeting points, and consciously make time for people you already find important or those you’d like to get to know better.
The most valuable asset we have as human beings is our time. By actively scheduling someone into your daily routine and giving them some of your time, you show them how important they are to you. At the same time, remember that you, too, are entitled to share in their time.
Don’t be stingy with gratitude and appreciation
There is nothing people crave more than recognition. Recognition is, so to speak, an additional basic need. If you are genuinely impressed, enthusiastic, or positively surprised by, for example, the behavior of a friend, then let them know. There’s no reason to be stingy with recognition.
Just imagine you meet a terribly thirsty man in the desert. You have a cup that magically refills itself as soon as it’s empty. Would you give the man a drink? The same goes for gratitude. If a friend or even a stranger does you a favor, show your gratitude. They certainly deserve it. Incidentally, if someone does you a favor, they will automatically like you more afterwards. This is called the Benjamin Franklin effect.
If you are currently making new friends and show them gratitude and appreciation, you will notice incredibly quickly how much they want to surround themselves with you. Simply because genuine recognition and gratitude have become scarce in our society.
Mistakes you shouldn’t make when finding new friends
As is often the case, it can help you enormously to identify and eliminate typical mistakes when making friends.
Don’t take the first step.
Do you want to overcome your shyness and become more open? Good social skills are based on many interactions, not the other way around. Many people are afraid of being rejected, of being coldly dismissed. In their minds, they already picture how the whole thing will fail dramatically.
Perhaps you’ve already noticed this yourself: You’re more annoyed about opportunities you’ve let slip by than about those that didn’t work out. And by the way: Even the people you consider truly successful feel at least a little fear of rejection; that’s completely normal. But these people have learned to overcome themselves.
If you make other people feel bad in your presence (even unconsciously or unintentionally), they will avoid you in the future.
Letting acquaintances fizzle out.
The two main reasons why an acquaintance (that suits you) does not become a friendship are the following:
- Appearing needy. Do you push for a close friendship before you’ve really gotten to know each other well? It seems like you’re only concerned about not being alone. Don’t let loneliness be your motivator; instead, let that unique individual you’re interacting with be your motivator each time.
- Being too reserved. Sometimes we doubt ourselves: Does the other person find me nice and likeable? I’d rather not contact them again to avoid being rejected. Do you see what’s happening here? It’s exactly the same as when you “take the first step.” It’s incredibly important for you to step out of your comfort zone sometimes.
Don’t reveal anything about yourself
What distinguishes a good, trusted friend from just any other person you meet on the street?
It’s simple. You know an incredible amount about your friend. They seem so familiar to you because you’ve talked and exchanged ideas so often. If, on the other hand, they had never revealed anything about themselves, you probably would have simply been suspicious.
It’s a misconception that if you trust someone, you’ll tell them about private matters. But it works the other way around, just like with social skills. To reiterate: you become an open, likeable person when you’ve talked and interacted with a lot of people. It’s nonsense to wait for your social skills to improve out of nowhere. Back to trust, because that develops precisely when you share private things.
Get over your fears. If you dare to share something in the next conversation that you would otherwise have kept quiet about because you considered it too “private,” then the other person will probably reveal something “private” too. Now pay conscious attention to your relationship: Has anything changed? Does the person you are talking to suddenly seem more familiar to you?
How to easily start a conversation
Questions to get to know each other
I promised you concrete ways. Seizing every opportunity and putting your social skills to the test requires a lot of courage at the beginning. Interesting questions that you can use to approach people and then get to know them better can act like a wetsuit. You can’t avoid the leap into the deep end, but a wetsuit makes the whole thing much more pleasant for you.
Just like this wetsuit, interesting questions can make it easier for you to start the conversation and make the subsequent getting-to-know-you so pleasant that you’ll overcome your fear of taking that first step more often, until it becomes a habit.
What do such questions for getting to know someone actually look like? First, you should open the conversation with a question. This is not so direct and gives the other person space to join in. A forced conversation in which you bombard your other person with questions will not provide a good basis for an acquaintance or friendship.
Especially if you’re afraid of being rejected or that the other person doesn’t want to talk to you for whatever reason, then interesting questions are the best way for you to find new joy or simply get to know people. Because you can tell exactly from the first answer whether the other person has the time and desire to talk.
Opinion Openers
A tried-and-tested example is ” opinion openers .” You simply approach a person you’re interested in and ask for their opinion on a topic of your choice . This encourages your counterpart to share something: their opinion, which may be more or less detailed depending on the topic. As you already know, this step is essential for your conversation to become more confidential and gain a certain depth .
The structure of opinion openers is as follows: You present a situation and ask the person for their opinion. Depending on gender, certain topics are more or less suitable .
The introduction: “A good friend and I just had a discussion and needed a third opinion…”
- Sports: “Which football club deserves relegation the most?”, “Should motorsport even be considered a sport?” or “If there were only three sports left in the world, which would they be?”
- Religion: “Science is just a religion too?” “Someone once said that every religion serves as a bridge like a rainbow. So, in the end, are the different religions no different?”
- Meaning of life: “What is more important in life: the journey or the destination?” “If in 100 years there will be little more than ashes left of you, and in 1000 years there will be absolutely nothing left to testify to your existence, what is the real meaning of life?”
- Social Relationships: (pointing at two people) “Do you think these two are a couple, or is this their first date? Which of the two is more interested? Is she just playing with him?” “I need a female opinion… A friend caught her boyfriend kissing another girl. She was devastated and cried a lot, but she loves him, has forgiven him, and wants to continue being with him. I mean, I only want the best for her… Do you think she should leave him?”
- Famous people: “Who do you think is prettier/more attractive, Christina Aguilera or Britney Spears?”, “Hey, this has been on my mind all day… Do you think William and Kate or Harry and Meghan are the better poster couple?”
- Supernatural: “If you had one superpower, what would it be?”, “If you had to choose, free will or the ability to see the future?”, “A friend of mine recently went to a psychic who told him he would become rich… Do you believe in supernatural powers (even if science can’t prove it)?”
Where you can easily find new friends
Many people are too lazy, anxious, or too shy to take the initiative. You’ve already invested something by acquiring valuable knowledge through this article. You’re already well on your way to finding new friends, and you know it’s all about taking the first step.
Next, you’ll get a few suggestions about the best places to find new friends, or where you can meet interesting people and take the first step.
Basically, all possible places can be divided into two categories. Both have advantages and disadvantages. You know yourself best, and you can decide for yourself what appeals to you more after you’ve researched possible locations. Perhaps you’ll also understand why it makes sense to ask yourself at the beginning of the article who you actually want to have as a friend.
You can’t and don’t want to be friends with everyone! To get the most out of this section and find friends the fastest, ask yourself: Which of the places listed below is most likely to lead you to someone you find interesting?
In everyday life
You can meet new people anywhere. For example: at language courses, seminars, in a travel group, in a choir, at training courses, in the library, at dog training, in an acting class, at a sports club, or even at the gym. These places usually have something to do with hobbies or interests.
This allows you to filter the people you meet. More specifically, what interests the people you meet are likely to share. Do you like volleyball? Look for a club. You and the people there will immediately bond over your love of volleyball. By meeting these people regularly, you don’t have to put yourself under pressure and you won’t appear needy.
When celebrating, go
Examples include house parties, concerts, festivals, bars, and clubs. You can meet a wide range of people here. There are also so many people in a very small space, and therefore within easy reach. And you know what? Most people are generally open to meeting new people.
While alcohol should be consumed with caution, it does make it easier for some people to overcome their fears. Of course, you shouldn’t have to “get your courage” every time. But with increasing social interactions and interesting conversations, you’ll become more and more open, and it will be easier for you to approach strangers, even without alcohol.
Your existing circle of friends and acquaintances
To give you an additional incentive: The more people you meet, the better your circle of friends becomes, the easier it will be to meet new people. This whole thing is, so to speak, the opposite of a vicious circle. An upward spiral, a positive feedback loop that, once set in motion, will continue to do its work and make you a socially integrated and content person.
If you follow the golden rule of friendship and constantly work on your social skills (I’ll summarize the most important ones for you in a moment), you will inevitably become such an interesting, pleasant person that other friends will simply introduce you to new acquaintances again and again.
You are now an important part of a lively circle of friends. It’s time to take the next step: Initiate events where people can get to know each other. Enabling friends to network with others will always pay off for you, too, although this shouldn’t be the only motivation, of course.
You’re now in a position to make it easier for others to get what you’ve worked hard for and rightfully earned. You’ll soon realize how fulfilling it is to give something back.
It’s a good idea to make a firm commitment to invite people to one of the following activities over the next two weeks. For example, host a barbecue, a game night, a bike ride, or a group hike to a cabin.
(Social) skills that make it easier for you to find new friends
#1 Body language
The ability to understand body language is just as important as starting a conversation well with an interesting question. If you want to not only start a conversation but also continue it as best as possible, then you should be able to recognize which topics elicit positive reactions from your conversation partner.
Remember the golden rule of friendship: If people feel good around you, they will like you. That’s why it’s crucial that you recognize how your counterpart responds to your new topic of conversation within the first five seconds. You will also increase your ability to empathize. If you engage more intensively with body language, you will automatically pay more attention to the body language of those around you and understand it.
This increased level of awareness will make it child’s play to put yourself in your counterpart’s shoes. Sensing what your counterpart is feeling during the conversation is incredibly important in order to be able to respond appropriately.
What do I mean by that?
These days, many people are inattentive, constantly on their phones , daydreaming, or not really emotionally engaged when someone tells a (for them) exciting story. If you feel even a hint of the emotions your counterpart feels, it will be incredibly easy for you to react more authentically and be more attentive.
In short: Your conversation will feel incredibly good for your counterpart. According to the golden rule of friendship, they can’t help but like you more and more in the future and want to be friends with you.
#2 Positivity
Maybe you know people who are a real hit at parties. They walk into a room and the mood noticeably lifts. They’re constantly laughing, making jokes and spreading good cheer.
Well, what can I say? That’s it. Positivity really is the key to brilliant social interactions and thus your path to new friendships. If you radiate positivity like a glowing aura, people will be clamoring for your company. And probably the easiest and best way to do that is: smile! People are happy when they receive a smile from you. Even if many are too perplexed to smile back, give it a try.
So make it a habit to give everyone a smile when you go shopping, for example. This will make it extremely easy for you to smile more often during conversations and noticeably lift the mood.
#3 Self-confidence
Increased self-confidence provides a solid foundation for all your other social skills. Self-confidence isn’t a skill that can be applied directly; rather, it acts as a booster for all your other skills.
A high level of self-confidence allows you to consciously perceive, reflect on, and specifically adapt your body language. You communicate more confidently and thus more self-assuredly. And only when you become more self-confident can you recognize when you’re about to spread negativity (because you might feel insecure or offended) and consciously counteract it.
Closing words
I’ve tried to give you the best possible guide to support and, in particular, motivate you to get out there and make great, new social contacts and friends . It’s not about making 20 new acquaintances overnight. It’s just about YOU ACTIVELY doing something!
You are 100% committed to yourself. Of course, you know best what’s good for you. But if you’ve read this far, the topic seems really important to you. That’s precisely why I’m absolutely convinced you’ll succeed and soon make great new friends. I wish you much success and lots of fun on this journey!
